It's been really hard trying to figure out how to start this post. I know what I want to say, but putting it all together has been rather hard. That being said, here goes...
We believe in a very real God. We believe he is an actual being, not just the Supreme Creator and Absolute Ruler, out there governing universe upon universe, but also our Eternal Father in Heaven, who cares about, loves, and has concern for each one of us.
If we pray, He listens. If we cry, He notices. If we hurt, He desires to heal and console us. Always wanting us to do and be good, but never forcing us to.
We believe that everyone, each one of us, is entitled to inspiration from God to try and lead the best life they can. We also believe that the leaders of the church we attend, including the local leaders, are entitled to an extra portion of God's inspiration, in order to be able to help those under their watch.
As Nathan continued to have repeated health problems, in particular with the shunt, it was so very, very hard to be optimistic, to have hope, to have faith that the day would arrive that he would just be healthy. With each surgery, we would do the best we could to pray and then hope that God would be merciful to Nathan and to us and grant that this would be Nathan's last hospital stay.
And each time Nathan was readmitted to the hospital was such a devastating blow. We would plead for the strength to endure and implore God that he would continue to have mercy on Nathan and grant him health and hope again that it would be the last hospital stay.
But it seemed that, at least for me, each time Nathan was readmitted to the hospital, my pleadings with God for him became more earnest and more sincere, but my hope that he would ever actually be healthy was going lower and lower. And I fully realize how paradoxical that is. But spiritually, I was really taking a beating. So much in fact that Bekah was really, really worried about me.
I worried too. But I really didn't know what to do about it, other than pray. So in addition to praying for Nathan and Bekah all the time, I prayed a lot that God would inspire someone to know how I was feeling and that they would check on me. In particular, I was hoping that someone from the congregational leadership would stop by. But it just wasn't happening.
Despite Nathan's repeated health problems and consistent hospitalizations, we felt a great sense of inaction on the part of our congregational leadership. In the 10 months Nathan had been alive, no one from the leadership had ever been to our house to check on us to see how we were doing. And to make it worse, no one had ever made the trip to the hospital during the entire 6 months Nathan had spent in the hospital. Not once. Never. Not even for a minute.
And each day that "nothing" happened would just make me more and more and more angry and upset. But each night I would continue to plead and beg God that someone from the leadership would call or stop by or do something. But each day I would just become more disappointed, more angry. and more spiritually beat up.
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