Anger is a vile and dangerous beast. It is an evil and deadly monster. It doesn't care for you, but rather wants to destroy you. Anger is a sneaky and tricky poison. It lies to your body and mind and makes them think that being angry feels good and that it is something desirable. And it does this while feasting upon the very goodness in your very soul.
And it was my constant companion. It went with me wherever I went. It burned inside me like a raging inferno. And it made me believe that we were friends.
The truth of the matter is that I was fed up with everything. I was fed up with Nathan being sick all the time. I was fed up with being at the hospital what seemed like all the time. I was fed up worrying how I was going to provide for our family. I was fed up not having any friends around. I was fed up that it felt like no one really, really cared about us. But mostly, I was fed up trying to have faith and have hope that a happy time would come to what felt like was a never-ending bad dream.
I was just tired of everything. And the anger gave me something to look forward to every day. If I couldn't be happy every day, I could be angry every day. If I couldn't have hope every day, I could be angry every day. Anger, it seemed, was a suitable substitute for just about every emotion.
But I don't really like being angry. It's not me. But I couldn't find any other emotion. Just anger. It was all over inside me. And it was wearing me out. It was beating me. It was destroying my soul. And if it wasn't for my wife and my son and the support of a couple of close friends at work, I likely would have given myself up to anger and let it destroy me.
But every night I would come home from work and I would see my boy and how happy he was. Despite all the crap that he had been through and despite how sick he was all the time, he still found some way to be happy.
Honestly, sometimes it seemed like the only two things that Nathan really knew how to do were to be sick and to be happy. He was such a great example to his dad.
In the beginning of my anger, I wanted Bekah to be just as angry as I was. But she wasn't. She couldn't be. She saw what it was doing to me and she knew that she had to be better. And I'm glad she was.
Every night when we would go to bed, she would snuggle in close to me and in a very soft voice say to me "Do you know I love you?" I would sigh and reply that I did. Then she would always say "Do you know that Nathan loves you too?" And I would nod and say yes.
I had the love of the two best people in the world: my wife and my boy. Which made being angry so very, very hard. So I knew that for their sakes, for my sake, for all of us, I had to do something to get rid of the anger.
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