And it was my constant companion. It went with me wherever I went. It burned inside me like a raging inferno. And it made me believe that we were friends.
The truth of the matter is that I was fed up with everything. I was fed up with Nathan being sick all the time. I was fed up with being at the hospital what seemed like all the time. I was fed up worrying how I was going to provide for our family. I was fed up not having any friends around. I was fed up that it felt like no one really, really cared about us. But mostly, I was fed up trying to have faith and have hope that a happy time would come to what felt like was a never-ending bad dream.
I was just tired of everything. And the anger gave me something to look forward to every day. If I couldn't be happy every day, I could be angry every day. If I couldn't have hope every day, I could be angry every day. Anger, it seemed, was a suitable substitute for just about every emotion.
But I don't really like being angry. It's not me. But I couldn't find any other emotion. Just anger. It was all over inside me. And it was wearing me out. It was beating me. It was destroying my soul. And if it wasn't for my wife and my son and the support of a couple of close friends at work, I likely would have given myself up to anger and let it destroy me.
But every night I would come home from work and I would see my boy and how happy he was. Despite all the crap that he had been through and despite how sick he was all the time, he still found some way to be happy.
Honestly, sometimes it seemed like the only two things that Nathan really knew how to do were to be sick and to be happy. He was such a great example to his dad.
In the beginning of my anger, I wanted Bekah to be just as angry as I was. But she wasn't. She couldn't be. She saw what it was doing to me and she knew that she had to be better. And I'm glad she was.
Every night when we would go to bed, she would snuggle in close to me and in a very soft voice say to me "Do you know I love you?" I would sigh and reply that I did. Then she would always say "Do you know that Nathan loves you too?" And I would nod and say yes.
I had the love of the two best people in the world: my wife and my boy. Which made being angry so very, very hard. So I knew that for their sakes, for my sake, for all of us, I had to do something to get rid of the anger.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Kari Wendt's blog.
First, I want to say that your story is very touching.
Having experienced life and death situations and having to watch loved ones suffer much, and fight for their lives-I completely understand how stress and worry can cause great emotion. I have experienced it myself. The type of emotion that drains every ounce of physical, emotional and spiritual strength from you.
I also know what it is like to deal with people who mean well, but don't exactly communicate that in the best way- sometimes even offending. I know that is extra difficult when you are dealing with emotions so close to the surface.
I recently had my husband of 13 years walk out on me and our 3 children. He had broken sacred covenants and has no desire to repent. I have had comments made to me (out of ignorance) that have really been hurtful, although I know the people meant well.
Not having the priesthood in my home anymore, I have had to reach out and ask for help from priesthood leaders.
I would encourage you to reach out to other leaders as well. If the bishop is too busy to come and give a blessing, call a neighbor,or a hometeacher and if they are all unavailable and you are feeling discouraged, do not hesitate to ask the Stake leaders for help.
We just had a family in our ward who spent a month in ICU with their 4 week old baby who was fighting for his life on life support. I know they had the Stake President come and help bless their baby.
I know people sometimes just don't know what to do. They may be thinking of you and praying for you, but they might be worried about dropping in at an emotional moment, or may be worried that they won't say the right things.
When my sister and her fiance were in ICU on life support and not expected to live, we were far from our ward family. We did not know anyone at all in the area. But the missionaries serving in that area came to assist. And as word spread, we had bishopric members from surrounding wards stop in and check on us.
I know Heavenly Father loves you and your family. He would never give you a trial such as this, if he did not have great faith in you. You can do this. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but anything is possible with the Lord at your side.
And what I have come to realize is that when I am feeling abandoned and alone in my trials-- there by my side (always) loving me and comforting me is my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. And I would rather have them by my side than anyone else. I often think of the Savior, and the lonely path he walked. He understands. He understand us perfectly when nobody else can.
I'm sorry for the lengthy comment. My heart goes out to you. I hope you know that people care. Even people you may not know.