Our Hearts Felt As Broken As Nathan's Actually Was

As the doors to the OR closed, we made our way down the hall to the Waiting Room, hearts so heavy with angst and despair.  We sent text messages to family and friends, trying to avoid making as many phone calls as we could.  Neither of us was in the mood to talk with anyone, even though we knew that some (especially Grandmas) would likely be calling once they got the messages.

Since this whole ordeal was unplanned, we had no idea how long the surgery would take.  Nor did we know how bad Nathan's valve had been damaged.  All I could picture in my mind was the valve barely hanging on.  How was the doctor going to fix it?  Had it even ever been done before?  If it broke, that would be the end.  But how could it end this way?

Each minute we waited seemed like an hour.  And having all that time to think was driving me crazy.  I needed to get away.  Bekah needed to stay close.

With her consent, I left to take a walk.  I didn't know where to go.  I knew the tears were coming.  I made my way out to the car.  It was quiet.  Isolated.  Alone.  Cold.  Everything I was feeling.

And then I cried.  I cried like I had never cried before.  I didn't understand how this could have happened.  This wasn't supposed to have happened.  Hadn't Nathan received a blessing less than 36 hours before that promised him he would be OK?  And now the total opposite of the blessing was coming to pass.  Apparently Nathan's blessing was worthless.   I felt less than worthless since I was the one who had spoken the words of the blessing.

So I did the only thing I could do.  I prayed, if you can call it praying.  I cried out in anger, fear, and frustration.  The rawest of emotions came from deep inside me.  I felt betrayed.  Nathan had survived so much to be done in by this?  How was that even a possibility?  My faith had been severely crippled.  I begged and pleaded for Nathan's life.  For the strength to be able to face this, no matter the outcome.  To not become bitter and angry.

Meanwhile, Bekah was back in the Waiting Room.  Shock and disbelief had filled her heart, making her too weary to cry.  I made my way back to the Waiting Room, hoping that we could find solace with each other.