Now I come to the most interesting part. Thomas had his healing experiences working through his anger and found peace. It was a big relief to him, and should have been for me too. It was a relief for a while, but then before long that changed. I started thinking more about all those things that hadn't bothered me for all those months, and for some idiotic reason that I still don't understand, they started to bother me. I was annoyed that Nathan had been in the hospital for so long with no visits. I was annoyed that I didn't have anyone to confide in or with whom to share my burdens.
And then I was annoyed that I was annoyed. It just added to my feelings of instability that these things hadn't bothered me until Thomas had brought them up. Why didn't I get bothered on my own? Am I so easily swayed? Can't I make up my own mind? Not only did I feel like I had no control over my emotions, I felt like I had no control over my opinions. I was frustrated, and frustrated that I was frustrated, and I didn't know what to do about it. Was this something that, like Thomas, I needed to work through on my own, or did I need to work through this with a therapist or an ecclesiastical leader? Was there someone I should talk to, or did I just need to repent and forgive?
My healing process was a long one. For a long time I just tried to push it aside and ignore it. But it kept cropping back up. I found myself at church unable to listen to what was being said because I was annoyed. I prayed for help to let go of my hurt and irritation, and for help forgiving those I imagined had hurt me. I reminded myself that no one had tried to hurt me, that we had not told anyone that we were hurting. How could I expect that people would meet my needs when they did not know I had any? I was afraid that if I talked about this with someone from church that it would just sound like complaining. I wondered if I just wanted attention, if I enjoyed people telling me how strong I was. Did I just want to be admired? The worst was that I didn't want to talk about this with Thomas. I felt like he had made his peace and I was afraid that if I brought this up then his anger would be rehashed and I did not want him to have to be angry again. I didn't know what to do, so I just kept ignoring my feelings.
Over the next 2 years I talked myself out of being angry and just felt annoyed. The practical side of me told my emotions that they were unreasonable, and that was enough to keep them at bay. I became better friends with some ladies in our area, so I had someone I felt comfortable asking for help when we needed it. And little by little I did heal. I was also able to see that people are not perfect, myself included; that no one had intended to hurt me, or even been aware that I was hurting, and that that was as much my own fault as anyone else's. I learned to look back and be sad that things had not been better, but not feel so hurt anymore. And I decided that I wanted to do what I could so that other people did not have the same experiences we had.
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